Dear Friend and pastor,
We understand from your post that you are not in the U.S., and we are uncertain as to your local professional counseling resources -- it would be ideal if you can get input from a wise and trained child specialist in your area.? I hope to offer some input regarding your questions here, though, as well as mention some basic ideas when responding to abuses experienced by a child.
First, it sounds like you are paying close attention and gently speaking with your son.? This is the needed initial approach -- it's best when parents do not display high anxiety to the child or responses that might shame or scare him.
If a young child is describing sexual behaviors that he would not otherwise know anything about, this is indeed a sign of likely abuse.? Don't worry about being 100% detailed and accurate about every little movement of what happened -- just take what he can offer you at face value.? This is his perception of the matter, and that is what counts in helping him.? Ask open-ended (rather than leading) questions, and say phrases like "tell me more about that...you are doing the right thing by telling Daddy...I love you and want to help you be safe...those kids should not have done that...but it's okay now."
Forgetting the incident is not really the primary goal in all this -- you cannot do anything to "erase memories," but you can educate in ways that let him know he is right for sharing this with you, and that it was NOT his fault.? The more anxious and worried he becomes over the matter the more likely the memories will stick around both in the brain and in the emotions/body.
Providing a child healthy, godly and age-appropriate sexual education does not cause him to have more sexual problems -- this will help protect him from spreading this behavior to others by acting it out again, and it will help him feel calmer and take the taboo and mystery out of sexually-charged and curiosity-causing events ... knowing that mom and dad have the answers for him and knowing that he can talk to you about his body and experiences is a major comfort and help.
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I want to highlight the higher likelihood of a child who has experienced abuse to then act this out with others.? Its a matter that you need to be aware of and attentive to.? Its best not to leave him in unsupervised peer situations -- especially until you have seen him through this for a period of time and become confident in his resolution over it and confident that he knows how to respect/protect his body and that of others.? This is a safety precaution that you won't regret taking.
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As for a great way to educate, I suggest you use a chidlren's book series called Gods Design for Sex Series by Stan and Brenna Jones? Lead discussions about HEALTHY sexuality as these books do in age-fitting ways.? Don't lead with the "bad" behaviors as the focus... lead with the goodness of being? boy and girl and how God made us different in our bodies...and how our bodies are so good that we need to protect them...especially our private areas which make us either a boy or a girl.
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Then, between the pages of these books you can stop, pause, reflect and give him time to make any of his own remarks.? You can ask a few questions in non-stressful ways, like "Do you have any questions about that?" or "Sometimes other kids don't know about this; maybe those boys at the play area did not have parents that told them the good ways to protect their body and treat others...I am glad I can share this with you."? By leading with HEALTH rather than a problem-focus, you can still educate and address the problem that occurred.? Yet talking about it has more positive thoughts and images and emotions mixed in with it.
I suggest if you can get thesee resources linked here.? See:
God's Design Sex Series -- initally focus on book one "The Story of Me"
The Swimsuit Lesson
Caring for Sexually Abused Children: A Handbook for Families & Churches
You also asked how to help your wife.? Share this post with her -- share these resources as well.? Check out the article links in the moderators post above too. I am not sure what your wife is thinking about what happened or what personal pain(memories?) around her own sexual education and childhood this might be triggering inside her heart.? Yet our own issues as parents are sometimes playing into the reactions we have to our kids.? If you can, in a private and calm setting, ask her what she fears...let her know you wish to pray and support her as a caring husband.? She may need help considering why she is having such a strong reaction -- perhaps there are faulty assumptions that this will ruin the sons life in some way.? This does not have to be a major factor affecting your son long term if you respond cautiously and with caring information.? If she needs to talk with us or a local counselor, we will do our best to be of service in connecting with you and make suggestion for finding the services you need.
One last thought -- I recommend that you speak to the owner/operator of the establishment where this reportedly occurred.? And, if by any chance the perpetrating children can be identified, then notifying their parents would be ideal.? They likely need help and are almost certainly doing this same behavior to others.? I do not know the laws in your area -- however if this happened in the U.S. and perpetrators are 3-4 years older than the victim, then we would be required to report this to authorities.? Without identifying information it may be a moot point, yet allowing the owner to know about this could be useful in the effort to identify the abusers and/or protect those children from any harm being done to them as well as others.
I am glad you can prayerfully consider the information I am sharing -- and if you can call us internationally, we urge you to. The U.S. number is 1-855-771-4357, and I believe we are eight hours BEHIND you in time -- it is 4:15 pm here as I post this, and I think it is 12:15 am your time.? If you call, feel free to ask for me (Geremy) and the assistant will let you know if I am available.? One good option may be Wednesday morning, as I am on the phone lines at 6:00 AM my time...which should be 2:00 pm your time.? Anytime after 2 pm your time on Wednesdays can work...or on most other days, anytime after 4:30 pm your time may work out.? Just tell the assistant that you are calling internationally, and they will try to get your call through as soon as possible once I am off the other line.
I hope you can also find the books I recommended -- either locally somehow, or via the Web.
God lead you with His heart of care and wisdom,
Geremy
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Focus Counseling Department
1-855-771-HELP (4357)
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